Leadership Is Not What You Think It Is (And That’s Why You’re Tired)

Because leading humans is not a checklist... it’s soul work.

The Opening Reality Check: Leadership, But Make It Human

Let me be blunt: Most of what we call “leadership training” feels like IKEA instructions for people management. Looks good on paper, wildly frustrating in real life. And most of what we’re taught about leadership is... kind of cute.

We sit in workshops, click through slide decks with buzzwords like “synergize,” “empower,” and “resilience under pressure.” We role-play difficult conversations with people we don’t know and never will — and then go back to real teams, with real emotions, with no idea how to deal with real humans.

We’re taught leadership.
But we’re not taught how to lead people.
And there’s a difference — a big one.

The Lie: Leadership is a Skill Set

We’ve been taught that if you can memorize John Maxwell quotes, build a PowerPoint with a clear mission statement, and survive a team-building ropes course, you’re a leader.

Wrong.

Leadership isn’t a toolkit. It’s not a certification. It’s not even the title.

Leadership is what happens when you know how to lead people — not projects, not processes — actual human beings. With fears. With dreams. With weird habits and rough edges.

And that, my friends, is a different muscle entirely.

Understanding Leadership ≠ Leading People

You can understand leadership like a PhD student — read every book, follow the right podcasts, quote Simon Sinek in your sleep — and still be emotionally unavailable, reactive, or disconnected from your team.

Knowing about leadership is intellectual.
Leading people is relational.
That gap? It’s where most leaders fall short.

Let me make this personal.

You can understand leadership and still suck at leading people. I know because I’ve done it.

I had the spreadsheets, the KPIs, the frameworks... and I still had folks looking at me like I was asking them to climb a mountain in snow, barefoot (a bit dramatic lol but I am being serious too).

Why?
Because I was so focused on leading well I forgot to lead real.

Here’s the kicker: people don’t follow perfection. They follow presence.
They follow consistency.
They follow someone who actually sees them.

They also follow someone who:

• Actually listens, without waiting for their turn to speak.

• Can apologize without a follow-up PowerPoint.

• Doesn’t just coach performance, but champions their growth.

Why “Strong Leaders” Still Burn Out

Here’s what no one tells you about traditional leadership: It’s lonely if you’re doing it wrong.

If you're constantly feeling the weight of “keeping it all together,” you're probably not leading people — you’re managing output. And managing output alone will drain the life out of you. Been there, done that - not doing it again!

When people feel unseen, unheard, or just like a means to an end, they disengage.
And guess what happens then?
You start micromanaging. You scramble. You panic about the future.
You throw around phrases like, “We need stronger bench strength,” (gotta have my sports analogy lol)
while secretly dreading going into the office because everything feels like it’s on you.

Let me drop a truth bomb:
People don’t resist being led. They resist being handled.

When you lead people well — genuinely, with empathy, consistency, and clarity — they grow. They step up. They take initiative. They become leaders while they follow you.

Leadership That Builds Leaders (Not Dependents)

The Truth: People Leadership is Soul Work

Real people leadership is messy. It’s vulnerable. It’s inconvenient. It’s you catching someone's sigh in a Zoom meeting and choosing to care.

It’s being someone who others grow under, not just someone they report to.

And here’s the magic:
When you actually lead people, you don’t need to obsess over succession planning. Because the folks around you are becoming leaders in real time.
They’re not being prepped. They’re being developed — by accident and on purpose.

Succession planning becomes less of a fire drill and more of a natural outcome when you lead people with intention. Not from a pedestal. Not from performance metrics alone.
But by being the kind of leader who cultivates leadership in others daily, not eventually.

You don’t “create successors.” You grow them, the way roots grow a tree.

People who feel seen are more likely to stay.
People who feel safe are more likely to step up.
People who feel empowered are more likely to lead when the time comes — and they won’t need an orientation packet to do it.

For Those on the Fence About Leadership...

If you’ve ever said:
“I don’t know if I’m ‘leadership material’...”
“I don’t like managing people...”
“I don’t want to become that kind of boss...”

Can I lovingly say — good.

That self-awareness? That resistance? It means you’re not chasing status. You care about people. You care about not losing yourself in a title.
And that means you might just be exactly what leadership needs right now.

The best people leaders I’ve known didn’t aspire to lead — they were just so real, so dependable, so anchored in integrity and care, that people naturally followed them.
And when those people got the opportunity to lead officially, they led with their humanity first. The rest followed.

So... What Do We Do With This?

Here’s the hard part (and the invitation):

• Stop reading so many durn leadership books if you’re not talking to your team about them..

• Put the books down and pick up the phone. Call your people. Ask how they are. Really.

• Make eye contact. Ask the awkward question. Say, “You good?” and mean it.

• Stop trying to be “the leader in the room” and start being the most available human in the room.

• Take “influence” off your vision board and try listening more.

• Practice empathy like it’s a muscle — because it is.

• Model vulnerability. Not weakness. Vulnerability. (There’s a difference.)

• Be consistent. Don’t just show up when there’s a fire. Show up when there’s silence.

• And stop worrying so much about your “legacy.” If you lead people well, they’ll carry it for you.

• And for the love of legacy — don’t hoard your wisdom. Share as you go.
  

Final Word: It’s Time to Flip the Script

I don’t hate leadership theory - I actually teach many of them to doctoral students and use them myself. I just think it’s overrated if it’s not embodied. Leading people isn’t a concept. It’s a lifestyle. And it starts the moment you stop trying to lead... and start being someone worth following.

Let’s stop defining leadership by how many people report to you and start measuring it by how many people grow around you.

You want to disrupt the cycle of burnout, poor succession, and high turnover?
You want to build teams that last beyond your presence in the room?

Then stop leading tasks and start leading people.
With presence. With patience. With purpose.

Let’s Talk:

Let’s disrupt this thing.
The world doesn’t need more bosses. It needs more people leaders—those who know how to lead with empathy without sacrificing performance or process.

As a performance-driven leader myself, I believe in pushing for results without ever sacrificing people or the processes that sustain them.

Great leadership isn’t about choosing between people and productivity. It’s about understanding that the two go hand in hand.

You don’t have to lower the bar to raise people up.
You lead better when you build both: strong teams and strong systems.

Let’s stop managing.
Let’s start leading with purpose.

Are you in?

What’s one lesson you learned the hard way about leading people — not just “being a leader”?
Drop it in the comments. Let’s build something better, together.